Curse

Lord Ertihan · Dec 09, 2005, 03:13 PM // 15:13

That's right, the Ascalon News Network has spread its wings (not that it has any), and is bravely trying to tread new waters as it hesitantly steps into the unknown territory of the GWGuru forums! (Moderators please take note: I don't know where exactly this sort of post belongs, if it does not belong here, please feel free to move it where-ever you feel it does belong).

We here at the Ascalon News Network believe in bringing Tyrians only the very best, only slightly fabricated, mostly un-doctored news! Hence, our motto is, "We're not making this stuff up. Honest!!" And for our kickoff article!

Support groups to be set up for masochistic monks

Recent studies show that a disturbing number of monks appear to be having a serious disorder, causing them to inflict serious drops to their health. Says one Lion's Arch doctor, Dr. Thissl Onleeurtabit:
"It's not healthy I tell you! All these rail-thin monks, putting on so many runes. They're not necromancers, you know! They bring themselves down to 105, even 55 health! They make themselves even weaker than a Moa Bird ... what could they possibly be thinking?!"
Unfortunately, these monks also appear to be suffering from a crippling social disorder that prevents them from wanting to group with other humans. Social Scientists have dubbed this disorder, "Solo-Monk Syndrome", and the disorder seems to be spreading. In fact, recent surveys have shown that Solo-Monk Syndrome is quickly becoming as prevalent as its more famous cousin, "Leeroy-Jenkins Disorder". Both illnesses appear to affect the brain most of all, causing a significant lack of intelligence coupled with a severe increase in testosterone, causing the subject to spout such unintelligible phrases as: "Gogogogogogo!!", "OMG U [censored] N00B!!", and "WTS GODLY SWORD OF UBER L33TNESS!!".
Support groups are being set up all across Tyria to help those affected with these illnesses recover, but unfortunately a lack of volunteers is preventing such support groups from getting off the ground. Says the Dwarven King, King Jalis Ironhammer:
"Well, I'd love to have [the support groups] around, but unfortunately my dwarves are too busy getting destroyed by Stone Summit, crushed by Mountain Giants, torn to pieces by Mountain Trolls, and ripped apart by Azure Shadows to have time to man them. OoOOooh! Stone Summit Beastmasters with a Stone Summit Heretic! Hold that thought, will you?"

[Editor's note: I had intended this little article to be accompanied with a celebrity interview. However, I have yet to recieve any confirmation from the celebrity allowing the interview to be published. Cross your fingers, folks, and perhaps he'll relent!]

Racthoh · Dec 09, 2005, 03:16 PM // 15:16

/clap

I enjoyed that, made my morning.

Damon Windwalker · Dec 09, 2005, 03:40 PM // 15:40

Meanwhile, two chemists, GlaxoSmith and Kline have been working on a cure to the "Solo-Monk Syndrome" and it's parent disease, "Social Anxiety Disorder." "Just keep zis leetle pill in your packs, and take it before going on a quest. I will help you learn to work with zee others." While it has not seen the market yet, this PacksPill is raising the hopes of henchies and party members the world over.

Shimus DarkRaven · Dec 09, 2005, 03:43 PM // 15:43

Well, I laughed, and yup, this needs to be more around the "off-topic" board, but you have something great here, maybe if it pertains to game even more, I could see it ending up in Lyssa's fiction section..

Keep it up, nice to get a chuckle over morning sierra mist <I don't drink coffee> :P

--The Shim

Snowman · Dec 09, 2005, 03:51 PM // 15:51

I spoke to Mhenlo only the other day! he made no comment of such non-sense and was was a picture of perfect health!...

He also told me that he has been given extra training in the arts of avoiding damage.

ANN are clearly desperate for news nowadays.